Unfortunately, there seems to be a pervasive social etiquette deficit when strangers interact with wheelchair users in public.
Wondering how to treat a person in a wheelchair? Newsflash: like a normal person. It doesn’t have to be scary, or awkward, or ~inspiring~… we are people first and more than our wheelchairs. These are all examples of things that I, or others close to me, have experienced as a wheelchair user. These experiences can be dehumanizing and contribute to the public perception of people with disabilities being less than people.. or worse yet, as objects.
Don’t lean on me like I’m a piece of furniture. This mostly seems to happen on elevators, I’m not sure why people feel the need to do this, especially when there is an abundance of other things to hold onto.
Don’t just start pushing me. My chair = my legs.. It can also throw off my balance if I am not expecting it. You wouldn’t just pick up a stranger and walk away with them. When in doubt ask first, but respect my answer if I decline.
Don’t ignore me or avoid me, paralysis isn’t contagious I promise. I am not Medusa (unfortunately).
Don’t talk over me and assume I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.
Don’t worry about “saying something wrong”.. Intrusive personal questions aside, I’m not going to be offended if you ask if I want to go for a walk around the block, go run some errands, or stand up for something I believe in. Basically, you don’t have to take the words walk/run/stand out of your vocabulary when talking to me. You don’t have to try to scrub down your word choice over fear of offending me, intentions go further than words the majority of the time.
Disabled is not a bad word, it is a descriptive word that conveys part of who I am, refusing to acknowledge disability and replacing it with phrases such as “differently-abled”, “handi-capable” or others in order to make yourself more comfortable just undermines the supposed intent, since it strengthens the underlying message that disability is something horrific.
Don’t jump out of the way and pull your child out of my path like I am a bulldozer going to run you down when I am still 15 meters away from you.
Don’t gawk and stare… No you aren’t hallucinating, I am a young person in a wheelchair, we exist, get over it.
Don’t tell your kids not to stare.. Tell them to come over and say hi.. Kids are curious, seeing a person in a wheelchair is something they may not have encountered before. It is something new and different that should be introduced in a positive way.. not something to avoid and ignore.. by doing this you are only perpetuating negative stereotypes to your children about people with disabilities by presenting us as something to be afraid of. I would much rather have people come over and ask questions, rather than be treated like I am a werewolf or loch ness monster.
Don’t infantilize, and treat me like a child. I am an adult and have all the same capacities as you. I am not less of a person, I just get around and do things differently.
Don’t tell me how you had to use a wheelchair once for a couple months so you know how it feels. While using a wheelchair is the most glaringly obvious result of a spinal cord injury, it is really just the tip of the iceberg.
Don’t touch my wheelchair without asking, it is an extension of my body and should be treated as such.
Don’t be afraid of wheelchairs. A wheelchair is not a negative thing, it is an adaptive device and a tool that allows me to participate in the community and have an independent life. Spinal cord injuries suck. Paralysis sucks. Other neurological conditions suck. Inaccessibility sucks. But a wheelchair is freedom. Everyone seems to miss this distinction and treats a wheelchair like it is a bad thing.
Don’t tell me I’m an inspiration for leaving the house. There is nothing inspirational about living my life and doing the things I enjoy just like any other person. I know the intent is usually well-meaning. But rather than compliment my mere presence/existence, shift the focus to the actual inspiring qualities of my life. My perseverance is inspiring. My stubbornness is inspiring. My tenacity is inspiring. But doing simple day to day activities or simply being out in public is not. I am just trying to live my life.
Don’t talk about me if you aren’t taking to me. Disability makes a lot of people innately uncomfortable, it is not something many people encounter on a day to day basis and it can be the cause of a fair amount of shock-and-awe. Rather than treat me as a sideshow when I am out in public, keep your comments to yourself unless you are speaking to me.
Don’t assume I need assistance or help unless I ask. It may take me longer to do things, or do them in a different way. I am not incapable, and I prefer doing things on my own even if it appears as a “struggle” to you. Key examples of this include picking things off the floor (it can be a process sometimes), alternating hand when holding a hot cup of coffee and wheeling, or when I balance things on my lap to carry them around. It may look strange to you, but it works for me. Furthermore, there is a sense of pride in being able to do things independently after having a taste of complete dependence in the early days of injury.
Don’t assume I’m helpless, a victim, unworthy of a relationship or unable to have children. All you are doing is projecting your own insecurities. Not being able to use my legs does not diminish the size of my brain, or my heart, and should not cause me to be seen as less of a human because of my disability.
Don’t assume being in a wheelchair prevents me from being independent and living a full life. Sure it may look different. There may be some things I cannot do. It may be inherently more challenging, but there is still a whole lot of life ready to be lived.
Don’t assume my friends or family members are caregivers. I don’t know where the assumption comes from. But people seem to have the opinion that wheelchair users don’t have friends or people that hang out with them because they want to, rather than need to. Having working legs is not a prerequisite for having interpersonal relationships.
Don’t turn every conversation back to my disability or personal health history. Instead engage in conversations about shared interests or current events. It’s nice to just be treated as a “normal” person and not have everything focus in on my injury or wheelchair use. It’s nice to forget sometimes. As a side note, it is totally not necessary, but I really, really appreciate it when people sit down, take a knee or pot a squat during a conversation so that we can talk eye to eye rather than feeling like everyone is towering over me.
In summary: How do you treat a person in a wheelchair? Like a regular person who happens to be sitting down.
